OK, nå finner jeg selvfølgelig ikke akkurat den
utgaven hvor dette stod, men kan erindre litt
av den, om ikke ordrett. Har vel lagt til litt
selv der hukommelsen sviktet. De fem kategoriene
var følgende:
The virgin
The fan from Scandinavia
The tactical genius
The world's greatest fan
The drummer
The virgin:
Has probably read "Fever Pitch", listened
to "Parklife" and decided to attend a football
match. Will always carry a scarf and a match
program, as well as referring to football
consequently as "The beautiful game", and the
referee as "umpire". The virgin can be amusing
at first, but will pretty soon annoy you with
his "Is Shearer playing?" or "what did he blow
for?"-questions. As this is his or hers first
game, they will probably get more and more
excited troughout the game, but unfortunately
they don't know what situations to cheer. He
might scream in horror as the ball hits
someone's thigh, or get over-excited when his
team wins a throw-in at the halfway-line. Of
course, after the game he will try to convince
you about his deep knowledge for the game by
starting a "serious" discussion on why things
went wrong in today's game.....
The fan from Scandinavia:
Your dream fan would be a 17-year-old gorgeus
blonde babe with loose morals. Dream on. She
will be a he, weigh 200 pounds, and have loose
wowels. He will always tell you how far he has
travelled, and how much money he has spent. To
you, it might be Coventry v West Ham. To him,
it's the cup final. Every single song by the
crowd will be accompanied by his voice, but
the words will never match. Unfortunately, he
won't care less, but continue singing even
though he doesn't know what he's singing himself.
The tactical genius:
Straight from kick-off, he will start complaining
about everything. Every mishit pass, missed
chance, etc, will provoke him to moan and groan
about their incapability. Pretty soon, every
player is shit, the manager is clueless, and the
chairman should resign. In other words everyone
else is wrong, wrong, wrong. He, of course, is
never wrong. The tactical genius can also be
very contradictory. Critisicm of the long ball
game, can in the next instance be mixed with
a clear message to stop "funnying with it".
As the game goes on, you will probably wonder
why he even goes to football matches if it's
such a waste of time and money. If you sit
near the press box, be careful not to confuse
this character with Alan Mullery.
The world's greatest fan:
This bloke will instantly try to convince
everyone around him that there hasn't been
a greater fan than him in the club's history.
He will shout more obscentities towards
opposing players than you could ever imagine.
He might start a chant or a song, and when
the rest of the crowd don't follow him, he
will turn around and say "WHATSTHEMATTAWIVYA".
This, he will think, is an exellent way of
getting everyone on his side, so he is
absolutely stunned when the same song fail
to provoke a response to minutes later.
His songs are also something special. They
have a million verses, no set tune, and
seemingly no ending. This is just another
way of convincing the rest of his loyalty.
He is also quick to point out that he was
the only one in sight who attended the
meaningless friendly against a non-league
side four years ago. He will have studied
the background of every opposing player,
which results in the completely anonymous
left-back being a "BRENTFORD REJECT".
Every little tabloid news from the past
decade will also be brought to everyone's
attention, for example "HOW'S THE POODLE,
WALLACE". Every mistake by an opposing
player will make him jump up, raise his
arms and shout "DAAAAHHHHH". Every, single,
bloody time.
The drummer:
Research has suggested that the drummer can
actually be thrown further than the drum itself.
Try it for yourself and see.
Gizmo,
som synes "Total Bollox"-reportasjen i hver nummer
er blant høydepunktene
